First and foremost, when it rains it pours. It seems that I can go weeks with just the regular visits to my mom and all is well, but when something goes awry it just snowballs. I am a person who likes my normal schedule, I have things planned out each week and though I try not to overbook myself, some would call me busy. I like my schedule and I’m not a fan of change.
Enter Alzheimer’s.
I’ve had to get really good at letting go of my schedule. I tell people no and I just can’t worry about what they think. I get messages and emails and I don’t get back to them as quickly as I’d like and some, not at all. When things are going along pretty well, I count my blessings and when the snowball starts down the hill and things are looking crazy, I buckle up, take a deep breath and get ready to ride it out. I used to feel “put-upon” and like I was alone and wonder why I ended up doing this. Now I know. I’m pretty good at it and so far, even though my mom might disagree, I’m just what she needs right now in her life.
Two, the world is not a “senior citizen” friendly place anymore. Why do I think this? Because in the age of emails, social media, cell phones with enough power to launch a rocket into space, text messages, lack of privacy, phone scams, and everything else out there, senior citizens can get left behind. My dad has a Jitterbug phone and he keeps it turned off most of the time. I leave him a voicemail and he calls me back. He writes me letters. He mails me packages. Lately, he’s taken to ordering things for me on Amazon and having them sent to me. Woohoo! But when I tried to send my dad a Christmas present from Amazon direct to him, he called Amazon and tried to return it.
Now put my mom in this crazy, modern world. She has a Kindle but doesn’t understand how the cloud works and she’s mad as hell that there are over 7000 books on her Kindle that she didn’t buy. I tried to explain the Cloud, but it was no use. So she called Kindle to complain and they wanted her email, which she doesn’t have. The customer service rep told her she must not have a Kindle because you can’t have one without an email. Whew! Want to start a fight with my mom, tell her something isn’t working, when she called because something isn’t working and then tell her you can’t help her.
Years ago, my mom used to open emails from her good friend Kate, because she trusted that only Kate would send her something to download, and she would wreck her computer with viruses. So she went out and signed up for an antivirus program that cost $30 a month and she paid for it with her PayPal account that was linked to her bank account. But her bank account was already overdrawn because of so many other direct debits and … well, you get the idea.
Three, in a world driven by commerce and quotas, someone like my mom just gets lost in the shuffle. Here is my story about this last week and what inspired all my thoughts in this post. My mom saw a show on Oregon Public Broadcasting called Incredible Aging: Adding Years to Your Life. She watched the show and really, who wouldn’t want to add years to your life. My mom knows there is something wrong with her, but she was too far into her Alzheimer’s by the time she was diagnosed to understand it. She doesn’t remember she has Alzheimer’s. So for her, there is just worry that she’s forgetful and she wants to get better. Well, the Incredible Aging show was selling DVDs books and accessories for $72. But the only way to buy the DVD set was to use a debit or credit card and my mom doesn’t have one of those. So a friend (who does not know my mom has Alzheimer’s) convinced her to open a bank account.
And here’s why my snowball for last week started.
My mom went to Wells Fargo, a bank she’d previously used and she opened an account with $100 cash. Since she didn’t have an email, they looked at her past account info and found my sister’s email and sent her an email welcoming her to her new account. My sister called me and I called the bank.
My mom spent the entire $100 on the debit card down to exactly $0 in less than a half hour at the local store buying clothes and she didn’t even have enough money to purchase her Incredible Aging package anyway.
I knew what I had to do. I had to go over and take my mom’s new debit card and I had to close that bank account.
I will tell you, I was terrified to go over to my mom’s and take away her debit card. My mom used to scare the shit out of me. She was a hard, angry, formidable woman and she and I did not have a good relationship. If she didn’t have Alzheimer’s who knows where we would be right now in our relationship. I had to breathe deep and tell myself that the mom I knew is gone and the woman I know now needs my help and even if she’s angry at me for rifling through her purse and searching her underwear drawer to find her debit card, I KNOW I am doing the right thing to help her.
And yes, I had to start searching in my mom’s underclothes before she finally revealed where she hid her new debit card so no one would steal it (it took my husband and me 45 minutes to find it). As my mom handed me paperwork from the bank, I calmly tucked in my bag, telling her this was a bad idea for her to have a bank account, but I would help her fix it. A couple days later, we drove her to the bank to close the account. I sent my mom to the car with my husband and I had some words with the banker.
Here is my quota and commerce problem. I’m sure Incredible Aging is great, but many of the people they are targeting are on a fixed income and $72 is a lot of money. It’s 75% of what my mom gets each month for spending money. And the bank just wanted to hit a quota, though Wells Fargo assured me they don’t have those anymore, for new accounts. If any alarm bells went off when my mom was trying to open the account, the young man just ignored them and did it anyway.
Lastly, at least for now, I realize that while there will be an end to all this, it’s not going to come without totally tossing my life upside down. Taking care of my mom to the end of her disease is going to hurt. It’s going to get worse, it’s going to make me cry so hard my head hurts for days – maybe weeks. Facing my mom’s Alzheimer’s with her is going to wrench my soul and twist me right down to my bones. It will cause me to question everything in my life, her life, and wonder why this happened. I will wonder whether I am a good daughter, whether I am doing enough, I’ll question if I could have done more and I’ll feel like I’ve let her down.
When it’s over for her, my long journey of recovery will just be beginning.
When she’s gone, hopefully, she’ll look down on me from wherever she is and she’ll know that I did my best. That everything I did, I did for her out of love. And hopefully, she’ll forgive me.
I am currently raising money for the Portland, Oregon Walk to End Alzheimer’s in August 2018. I raised almost $900 last year and this year my goal is at least $1000. This badge tells you where I am at right now in my efforts. If you feel so inclined, please donate. Thanks.