The idea for this web site came to me about nine years ago. I wrote it out on a piece of paper and put together some concepts, but didn’t ever create the site. I was busy getting with life and I also think that I talked myself out of doing anything. I didn’t think I had anything to offer anyone. So even when someone told me “you should write a book” or “you should help people through their messy divorces” I just smiled and thought there was no way anyone would ever want to know my story, much less let me help them.
But now I find myself at a crossroads. I have made some huge decisions in my life in recent months and I spent some time visiting family, I took a break from social media and I meditated and wrote out some ideas for what I want to do with the second half of my life. And the idea for this site came back to me and this time my little voice said, “Do it!”
JenniferI am a woman, a mother, a sister and daughter, a friend, and a wife. I’ve been married twice, well three times if you count marrying my first husband twice. Yep! I did. I work hard, I play equally as hard. I am training for my first half-marathon, I have Celiac’s Disease, I write a daily gratitude list, I’m a huge fan of binge-watching Netflix tv shows, and I play piano on occasion. I was raised in a very close-knit, patriarchal religion and I married my first husband in that church. I always struggled with my religious beliefs because I just didn’t think God was that angry with us and that we should be so concerned with how much we pay our church, what we say, what we wear and even who we are friends with. I questioned that as a teenager, as a young adult and as a young mother.
I eventually knew I needed to leave that church and I blogged (in the early blogging days) about my journey out of that church. It was done anonymously, but one of my kids Googled me and found it. Soon it was being read by people I’d known in my real life and by people also struggling with a graceful exit from that religion that turned into a mushroom cloud. Putting my thoughts out there cost me more than I thought possible. In retrospect, blogging about my life and my divorce and my feelings about the church I belonged to wasn’t my brightest move, but at the time I wanted it to be read. I wanted to know I wasn’t alone. Once I knew that, I just kept writing because it was cathartic.
When my blog was discovered by people in my real life, I pulled down the most glaring posts. I was unflinching in my commentary and I wasn’t nice to myself and others who I felt had let me down. Most glaring, I was in the thick of a separation and divorce. I wrote about it all and I thought it would never be discovered. I learned a hard lesson, and it has been with me as the social age has gripped us as people. Using social media our most personal moments can be published online and once they are there, they live forever.
This is not an anti-religious blog, I am not an anti-religious person but because I was part of a very patriarchal, community-based religion for so long, it defined me for a substantial period in my life and it is still a part of me. Leaving a religion that had been the foundation of my life for over 20 years was, and continues to be, a profound experience. I now consider myself spiritual, a naturalist, I meditate, and my “religion” is compassion. I honor nature, warm sun on my skin and I honor people and whatever they need to get through their life. We all need something and we find it in different places, that is what makes each of us so wonderful.
The most valuable lesson I learned…was that taking a stand for what I believe in was an empowering act, and even though the weight of loss was heavy, what I gained was wonderful. I no longer rely on an angry God to tell me how to live my life, I don’t listen to old men preach from a pulpit and I don’t highlight scriptures looking for answers. Now I check in with my soul, I believe there is a beautiful, caring higher power out there with a strength we can tap into, I write down my dreams and I do what makes me happy and content, not what I think others would want me to do.
I am on a journey and I have no idea where it will take me…but over time, I’ve figured out where to begin and spend my time enjoying the ride life is taking me on.
-
- Discovering myself in the mirror. What a Freudian moment this was and I love that my mom captured this moment. I look awfully confused.
-
- My dad and I loved fishing together. It was a great way for us to go outdoors and do something we loved. I remember that we didn’t walk alot. The fish liked quiet, but just spending time with my dad and enjoying the sunshine was something I loved. I have to remember this when I think of self-care.
-
- One of my high school graduation photos. This was a pretty crazy time in my life. I was going to be going to college. I was leaving my mom’s care. I was embarking on a huge journey of self-discovery and acceptance, but I had no real skills.
-
- My oldest son took this picture right before a friend’s wedding. I had my three kids, I was not yet 35. It felt like I was caught in a whirlwind of parenting, wife-ing and had, at this time, completely forgotten how to take care of myself or have any real fun.
-
- This was taken last year by my youngest. She is a grown woman now and a photographer. It is tough sometimes to open up and smile and feel self-accepting. When looking at the photo, sometimes all I see are the wrinkes around my eyes, but other times I see how big I smiled and how good I felt about myself.
